My sister was my conscience

My sister was my conscience. 

When we were very little and lived in a drafty old house in rural Manitoba, I can remember having nightmares or night terrors as the doctors called them.  I can remember being terrified of ghosts and demons.  Not wanting to wake my parents I would crawl into my sister’s bed and she would hold my hand and say it was ok.  Beth was always with me early on.  When we grew up together she became my tag-a-long and also my defender.  She was a passionate advocate for Caleb and I and would stick up for us whenever we needed defending.  I have many memories of early years boating by the lake, picking blueberries in the field, making snow forts in the front yard and playing games together.  We loved each other without question. 

Life became more complicated as we grew up and moved west.

As I reached adulthood, Beth’s support never wavered.  Early as a teenager I found a passion for music.  I would sit in the basement writing songs and when I would come up with a song I felt strongly about, Beth would be my audience.  She would sit patiently while I hacked away at an early song idea.  If she liked it, I would continue working the idea, if she was less enthused, I would revise and repeat the process. 

She was a fan a critic and an intellectual that I trusted more than most of my musical cohorts. 

I have a vivid memory of coming home from school one afternoon and Beth had a documentary on TV.  It was something I’d never watched before.  Raw electric music from a band I thought I knew.  I thought it was old people’s music.  The music she was listening to was R&B and blues but with intricate harmonies and a big beat.  It was the Beatles.  It was an in depth documentary on the band’s early career before the height of Beatlemania.    I was instantly hooked and as Beth showed me more of their music we connected deeply. 

Beth’s life has paralleled and intertwined with mine many times.  In my college years I moved back in with mom and dad and Beth was there too.   We hadn’t lived in the same house in a while but I look back on that time fondly as we were both starting to see glimpses of adulthood and had a lot of fun together.  I cherish these memories.  We would drive around the Cowichan valley in my beat up old Malibu.  I can remember fondly turning up the stereo and screaming along to whatever band we were both listening to at the time. 

Beth did not ask of people.  She was a giver.  She was a straight shooter.  She was humble and all she wanted was simple happiness.  Her dream was to become a mom.   Beth wanted to find someone to grow old with and have a family of her own.   

I remember when Eamonn came into her life.  She met Eamonn on my birthday for their first date.  I remember talking to her not long after saying how happy she was. 

I was honoured to be her MC at her wedding and perform at her ceremony.   I hadn’t seen someone glow as bright as she did the day of her wedding.  I told her she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. 

Eamonn completed her. 

Beth’s growing joy and domestic bliss made it easy to open my heart.  She was an example to me of how to live life.  Later that year I met Lindsay.  After Beth met her she told me that she was perfect.  Beth’s opinion mattered more than anyone’s.  She was hypercritical of who was right for me and she knew I’d finally found someone to spend the rest of my life with.  For our wedding we spent a week in Mexico in paradise.  Some of the people closest to our hearts were there with us for a week. I remember pausing for a moment early in the trip with the thought that this would be the last time we would ever be together as a group.  I brushed the thought away and planned in my head grand schemes of repeating the trip every few years for the rest of our lives.  In the pool later that day, Beth was beaming telling me about her adoption process and her hopes that her girls would come home to her and Eamonn soon.  Not knowing the process I was cautiously optimistic for her knowing in my heart that she would succeed and hoping and praying her family would grow because I knew that’s what she so desperately wanted.

The day I met Koka and Mimi was a sunny day in June 2014.  The sun was bright and there was a slight warm breeze.  Beth’s smile was 10 miles wide and Eamonn was a doting new father.  It was Caleb’s wedding. 

As I carried Mimi around and chased Koka in the grass my heart melted into my shoes.  I fell in love.   Their laughter and sheer joy on their faces showed the unconditional love for their mommy and daddy.

Beth’s new parenthood put her heart at ease.  Her dreams had come true.  It was truly one of the best days of my life. 

Beth’s love for her girls and natural mother instincts made it easier for us to dream of starting a family of our own.  When we announced we were expecting a baby later that year, Beth was ecstatic.  She shared in our joy.  She would phone me weekly and looking back I think that she was more excited for us that we were ourselves.   As her home life grew more stable and she gained confidence as a mom she looked toward the future with optimism.  She was planning trips to visit us and wanted our families to be close.  She talked about Lindsay and I to the girls as if we were there every day and wanted them to know and share in our closeness. 

Beth lit up the world.   She would make me laugh so loud that tears would roll down my face.  She wasn’t afraid to be different.  She didn’t judge people for being different and would call me out if I was ever out of line on an opinion.  She also held me accountable to the things I said but she also would listen if I needed to talk out a problem.  I love Bethann and know she loved me.  She lived 35 years and during those 35 years, she loved me 100% of her life and I loved her for 100% of hers.

I have no regrets. 

Beth and I did not always agree but I respected her and her opinions and I feel that we were equals.  I pray that she thought of me as an equal.   

Beth brought mom over to the city for a short weekend shopping trip in January.  They arrived at our house and we ordered takeout and as we shared I meal I noticed how difficult it was for her to get around.   She was walking with a cane.  She had planned to again see a doctor hoping to get a diagnosis later that week.  I was worried but trusted her judgment and hoped that they would find something to treat her pain thinking it was a bulging disc.  As they got up to leave for the night and go to the hotel Beth sang a line of an obscure song we used to listen to years before in my Malibu.  “Our love, don’t mess with our love, cuz our love, is so much stronger”.  I knew then something was seriously wrong.

She called me about a week later while we were house hunting.  We’d just looked at our new home and I thought she was calling to hear about it.  Through her tears I heard “Brain Tumour, hoping it’s not cancer”.  My heart sunk.  My knees weakened and I nearly fell.  My baby sister was in pain. 

We were optimistic that there would be treatment.  As the minutes ticked on it was an unstoppable freight train of news progressing from bad to worse.  I dropped everything and rushed to her bedside with Eamonn.  She looked defeated.  I felt defeated.  Where is God?  Where is our miracle? 

The news never got better. 

The last time I talked to Beth she told me she loved me to the moon.   I finished her sentence with “and back to the sun.”

Beth was there for me when I needed her and I love her so deeply knowing that there will never be anyone like her.  I will never forget her. 

I do not believe in a world where heaven does not exist.  I cannot comprehend never seeing Bethann again.  I will hold on to that as tightly as I can. 

Beth’s legacy is long lasting.  Without her dream of becoming a mother we would not be able to share in her and Eamonn’s love of Koka and Mimi and are blessed to have them as a part of our family. 

I will carry Beth’s unconditional love in my heart for the rest of my life.  

See you later Bethann.

I will miss you until then.     
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Listen to a soundcloud demo of a song I wrote for Bethann: 
https://soundcloud.com/martyzylstra/how-could-i

Go to my crowdfunding link:
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/help-marty-zylstra-release-a-new-album/x/13179027?secret_perk_token=816d8a60
$ raised will help me record a new EP.  Once released, all proceeds will go to a charity in memory of my sister (after all expenses from recording are paid)